Grace

                I’ve gone away from writing for a little over a year now, and I’ve missed it tremendously.  I know that I’m not the most eloquent writer, and I know that I don’t punctuate correctly.  My sentences normally aren’t pieced properly, and at times I do have run-on sentences. However, one thing I do know is that I don’t write unless there is heart and knowledge behind my thoughts.  I wish I had paid more attention to my teachers in high school, especially my English teachers. 

                At times I get pegged with mounds of regrets.  I have many decisions I have made in life that I’m not proud of, and many goals that were left as just that.  I am my toughest critic, and there are moments where I can be a complete Debbie downer.   I think of death often, not because I long for it because I don’t, but because I lost a cousin suddenly who I loved dearly.  I do my best to learn from the legacy he left of laughter, love, and family/friends.  With that said, I still have my moments where John’s legacy goes out the window and I forget how precious life is and how fleeting it is.  I’m not proud of those times.  I hate lists; grocery lists, things to do lists, prayer lists, and any other types of lists there are.  They tend to overwhelm me, and I don’t like this trait about myself.  I secretly think it drives my husband nuts because he is a list guy; a typical-A-type-go-getter which is one of the many things I admire about him.  I guess the saying is true, opposites attract.  I get plagued at the end/beginning of the year with thoughts and emotions.  Some years it’s all good, some years it’s mostly bad, and other years it’s mixed.

                Last night my eyelids forgot how to close and my brain forgot how to communicate sleep to the rest of my body.  The enemy always knows that this type of night typically breeds open doors for him.  He likes to raise havoc by supplying plenty of doubt and negativity, and I sometimes I allow myself to cling on it more than I ever should.  This morning, I asked God to help me with these thoughts.  After a sleepless night, I didn’t have it in me to crack open my bible.  The last thing I felt like doing was reading.  Ugh, and the thought arouse in me, “just another thing I don’t like about myself.”  I don’t like to read and I wish I did…I know, I know, it’s appalling, isn’t it!  However, at this point I was in dire mode of hearing something from the Lord.  I knew that if I didn’t, the type of night I had just survived would continue to pour into my day.  My heart knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the same kind of day.  At this point, I was deeply yearning to hear from Him.  So if I couldn’t read, I knew I could listen.  I decided to YouTube sermons and I stumbled upon on that Francis Chan had given a month ago.  God knew just what my soul needed to hear. 

                Jeremiah 1:5 tells us, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”  God delicately weaved us together and placed us in our mother’s womb knowing exactly how He wanted us to be with what traits He knew we needed to have.  This was so important for me to hear.  I needed to be reminded that HE CREATED ME!  HE created me to not like to read, to not like lists, to learn from my joys and sorrows the way I do, to love the way I do, to appreciate music as much as I do, to be who I am in this very moment.  Then in Ephesians 2:10 He reminds us that, “We are God’s handiwork (masterpieces), created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”  He has set aside certain works for us to accomplish in His name. He has solely picked me and you for certain parts in life that nobody else can carry out in the same manner.  We are all unique; we have all gone through different situations in life that has made us who we are today.   No one person is the same therefore no one person can carry out God’s works that He has set apart for us in the same way that He has intended.  Others may be able to love my children, but nobody will ever be able to love them the way I do.  Another may be able to love my husband, but nobody will be able to love him/challenge him the way I do.  I can have a million friends, but each relationship will be different from one another.  We are all different and not one of us is more than the other because He has set each and every one of us apart to create good works for Him in our very own special way.  His love is perfect, and therefore this means He loves us equally.  

                As I look into the New Year, I gaze into it hoping to fulfill the works He has set apart for me in a way that would be perfect and pleasing to Him and Him alone.  I may stumble here and there this year, but I need to remember to give myself grace because He already has.  He already knows when I will fall short, and I need not beat myself up over it, but instead learn from it.  God’s grace is abundant and sometimes I just need to remember to reach for it.  May you all have a very happy and blessed year this year, and if you beat yourself up over things like I do, I hope you too will learn to bask in God’s grace a little more.

Below you will find the Francis Chan sermon I spoke of.